A Day in the Life of a Virus

Let me tell you about the day I’ve had.

It all started this morning when I was just enjoying the view atop the finger that I called home.

I’d been here for quite a while–as long as I can remember, anyway. It was warm and comfortable, and I felt safe here. Things couldn’t get much better.

This finger was attached to some guy whose name escapes me.

I think it was Jeff. Or was it Paul? Whatever. He’s not listening anyway.

This guy–what was his name?!–had a bad habit…

something horrible…

something really nasty…

I wasn’t aware of what was happening until all of a sudden, it got very dark.

After some thrashing and spinning, I found myself inside a dark and creepy tunnel.

I had no idea which way to go–I was competely disoriented from the nose-picking experience. I finally decided that going anywhere was better than staying in this weirdo place, so I just started walking.

The cave was damp and gooey.  Everywhere there were puddles of green nastiness.

The cave was groaning, and a breeze whipped through the cave every few seconds, changing directions wildly… as if this place could be any more uninviting.

At the end of the tunnel, I reached a hill overlooking a bustling city.

The city was so big… so loud… so intimidating. I didn’t know what I was going to do, and I felt like I was going to vomit (which is ironic, since I’m a flu virus).

Still a little unsure of the best course of action, I slowly descended the hilltop and entered the frightening metropolis. Maybe I could find someone who could give me directions to the nearest finger. I knew it was unlikely, but pretty much anything seemed better than turning around and going back into creepsville caves.

Once in the city, I regretted this decision. The cells in the city weren’t all too friendly.  They all stared at me as I walked by as if I didn’t belong. I realize I didn’t belong there, but did they have to make it so obvious? I was too paralyzed in fear and awkwardness to even say hello.

One of the cells finally approached me. I thought he was going to ask me if I needed any help, but instead he pointed and yelled, “Hey, that’s you! You’re a bad guy!”

I calmly explained that I’d never been here before–that clearly there was some mistake.

I explained how I came to be in this city, and how I meant no one any harm, but simply wanted to get back to my home on the finger. Surely this cell would understand.

Surely he would take pity and help me find my way home.

It was all going to be okay.

Surely the cell was just taking this absurdly long time to respond because he was thinking of a genius plan to get me home.

Right?

The cell finally broke the silence and screamed, “Virus! Help me!”

I don’t know what came over me at that point, but I found myself running as fast as I could. I knew I had done nothing wrong, but there was clearly no reasoning with these cells. I just knew I had to get away.

I ducked into a dark alley and hid behind a trash can. Yeah, it was pretty great. It would be the perfect venue for a child’s birthday party or bar mitzfah, by the way.

I’m not even sure how long I waited there. I just wanted to make sure no one was still looking for me. I hadn’t heard anyone walk by in what seemed to be hours, so I thought it was about as safe as it was ever going to be. I had to get out of there.

“Just blend in,” I told myself. Only a few people know me here. I just have to play it cool and get out of this city.

Yeah, that plan worked for about 10 seconds. I found myself in front of a gang of antibodies.  I knew it was over now. Fighting would only prolong the inevitable.

Before I could even enter my plea of mistaken identity, I was flanked and tackled to the ground.  The antibodies were all over me, pinning me down, and I could hardly breathe.

This was it. As soon as one of the antibodies called it in, a macrophage would be on his way to destroy me. I’d never see my finger again.

But just then, a low rumble shook through the city, and the ground quaked.

The antibodies forgot all about me and scattered in every direction. I was free! As I turned to run, I felt the strongest wind imaginable lift me off the ground and hurl me out of the city.

I was spinning and flying in all directions. I had completely lost track of where I was. I couldn’t make sense of any of it.

Eventually, the thrashing stopped, and I was aware of nothing but the sensation of falling.  I didn’t want to wonder where I might land, but surely anywhere was better than that city with all those judgmental cells.

Finally I landed…somewhere. I was so exhausted I didn’t even want to investigate my new surroundings. It hadn’t worked out so well last time. I just remember how cold the surface was. It was lonely and stark.

I didn’t care any more. I decided to just sit there–wherever this horrible place was.

After what seemed like an eternity (approximately 5 seconds), I saw something above me. Could it be? Yes, yes it was! A finger! It was coming out of nowhere, but here it was. I could hardly contain myself.  I was going home!

And here I am, on a finger once again. Warm, safe, secure. I just hope this person isn’t a hand-washer.