What Matters During a Zombie Apocalypse
My last two posts have mentioned zombies, and frankly, I want to keep talking about them. Hey, I have no one to answer to here. There is no Scientifically Accurate and/or Relevant Police scanning the content of this blog to ensure the highest standard of scientific quality. It’s just me. So, you know what? For no reason at all, I’m going discuss a hypothetical zombie apocalypse. You can thank me later.
The only upside to a zombie apocalypse will be the survivors’ crash course in something called “what really matters.”
Let’s start with what does not matter when you are being attacked by zombies:
1. Money
Zombies can’t be bribed to not crave your tasty, tasty flesh. They also don’t mind if you are completely broke, for you shall taste just as delicious as a Bill Gates or a Steve Jobs.
2. Your career
Zombies do not care if you have a PhD or if you have 20 years of experience in your field, unless that field is ninjitsu or maybe barfighting because only those will make you more difficult to gnaw on.
3. What car you drive
To zombies, all cars look the same. The only thing that differentiates them is whether or not there is a tasty human inside it failing miserably to locate and employ the car keys. They love when this happens.
4. GPS
Don’t worry about street names, addresses, or directions any more. It doesn’t matter where you are, just as long as it is zombie-less. North and south are no longer helpful; your directions are reduced to toward zombies and away from zombies.
Now, on to what will most definitely matter during zombie survival:
1. Music
You’re going to need a variety of playlists to get you through your day:
-fighting zombie playlist (heavy metal, most likely)
-someone got bitten playlist (really dramatic opera-style stuff)
-treating your wounds playlist (spa-style relaxation)
-finding the cure playlist (upbeat montage music)
Especially if you are alone, you’re going to want to hear the voices of non-zombies to soothe your tired soul. Music you once thought you loathed will make you cry tears of joy and remind you of simpler times when things were so great, you had the energy to hate something so simple as a 3-minute collection of sounds.
2. Can openers
You have not felt hopelessness and despair until you have faced extreme hunger, a can of food, and no can opener. You’re going to subside almost entirely on canned food, so I suggest finding a good can opener and fashioning a holster for it, so you’re never without. I’m serious. This is important.
3. A love of all forms of sport
You have to use any and all varieties of sporting equipment to kill zombies: bats, tennis rackets, golf clubs. Guns run out of ammo. Hockey sticks do not.
4. Any kind of soap: dish soap, hand soap, face soap
You’re surely going to want some soap to wash off the blood that results from zombie altercations. I’m pretty sure that they spray blood when you beat them with blunt objects. You may also want to wear sunglasses or goggles for this reason.
Things that I’m not sure will matter:
1. Social skills
Loners might be just as successful as social butterflies when it comes to surviving. Groups might attract more zombies, so perhaps flying solo will be better. But helping each other is good too… and yet your group is only as strong as your weakest link. Like I said before, I’m just not sure.
2. Cellular Phones
I’m sure cell phones will be useful during the zombie apocalypse if they work, but I’m not convinced cellular networks will last long without upkeep. Zombies don’t repair cell towers with any kind of regularity.
3. A Keen Fashion Sense
It won’t help you survive a zombie mob attack, but it might improve morale in the long run if you are wearing the season’s latest fashions and not ripped, stained sweatpants. Depends on your personality, I suppose.
So perhaps the moral of this story, if there is one at all, is that you shouldn’t spend too much energy worrying about things unless they will matter during the zombie apocalypse… or something like that.
